new year and changes

Well I'm back again after a couple of months. Wow lots of things have happened, we're in 2010 now, and I'm feeling a bit more hopeful these days. The last year was one of coming to terms with where my life had been for so long, and realizing how unhappy and unsatisfied I've been. I began the process of changing that, looked at the possibility of school, but my hang ups have been well... a few things. One thing I'll talk about right now is- I'm tired of continually being in debt, and as good as a particular school program might be (I was looking at a masters in counseling at a seminary), I'm not at ease with going into about $30,000 more in debt, especially when I'm 32 and would like to be married and have a family. I'm not necessarily trying to put a restriction on my life and say it has to happen this instant, but I'm gradually getting a little older and haven't made much progress in that area. I spent years during and after college trying to be a christian rock star (sad and funny now when I look back on that). I think it was ok to try the full-time music thing out, but maybe giving myself a certain timeline to make something happen would have been a little wiser, like 2 years or so, with a plan to move in a different direction if that didn't quite pan out. Some will say that's not being faithful or trusting God, and my reply to that is that you're probably a 21 year old musician who needs to live a little longer and get a little more wisdom from some older people, and from scripture as well.

Well after about 3-4 years of doing that, I left the music thing (sort of, as my "career") but didn't have any direction after that. I woke up one day, was about 28 and still living in a house with a bunch of guys, and not a whole lot of maturity or confidence in myself, and much less decisive. In fact that indecisiveness has plagued me for sometime, and only recently have I "decided" to change that. My friend Casey sent me a book to read call "Just Do Something" by Kevin DeYoung, and I read it all in a day. I might talk more about it in another post, but it's really good. I highly recommend it, especially if you're a single 20 or 30-something guy in a similar circumstance. I haven't ruled out the school idea down the road, just need a different plan to do it that includes being responsible. I also need to learn to just commit to something, since that's been such a difficult thing for me to do in the past- maybe not in every area, but in most areas to a large degree, and that's mostly why my life is where it is now. I don't expect everyone to understand and that's ok, some even might think I'm a little crazy but I just hope that my life will speak something different. I simply won't allow myself to be the same indecisive, directionless person anymore.

Enough

The things that sometimes happen to us...are ridiculous. The game continues, people keep doing their thing, and nothing changes. I miss other people in my life that I don't get to see now days. I want to do something that works out for me for once. Life could look very different right now. It should look different than this. It's time to make that happen.

Thoughts about life, and reactions to things

I'm not sure I realize the hold a place has on me, until I get a moment of clarity and realize what's going on. Why on earth am I still living in this area? I don't really know... well maybe I do, sort of. I've done it before, I hang on to this vain hope that something great will work out for me, and I go through the cycle over and over again, which is just insanity if I really think about it. I'm not a fan of victim talk, so I'll try to avoid it as much as I can. I do, however, have to acknowledge that some people are given advantages over others at times, and it seems like there is a little bit of a status game that some people play, or at least that's my perception (I want to be careful and clarify that these are just my feelings about a few things, and it's not necessarily accurate to project that on everyone). It's easy to get yourself caught up in that game, and then to have an amazing amount of bitterness because you're not given what you want, you feel left out, insignificant, and hurt that you're not thought of. The next thing that sometimes takes place, is that you start to direct those feelings at those you see getting what you wanted. That's envy and jealousy. The other (and much more common) reaction I have when I realize I can't control any of these circumstances, is to check out, leave, move on to something else. I don't want this to totally be my reason for wanting to leave this place, but in all honesty it's a large factor. I don't think it's necessarily bad, it could just mean it's time for me to take off, go somewhere else and find my place.

Who do we really want to be?

Here's an interesting thought to me, being who you really want to be as opposed to who those around you want you to be. I've realized that for a about 5 years now I've been on a journey where I've changed a lot of my views, opinions, and thoughts on things. I really think I was headed toward being a different person, in a good way, but due to certain decisions I made, and the desire to strongly please those around me (and maybe due to a little coercion from a few people), I gave in and started abandoning that journey. Well maybe not totally abandoning it, but I certainly took a detour- even starting to go back to some old opinions and ways of thinking I was trying to leave behind. I can almost entirely attribute this to my desire for acceptance from others, so much so that I think I made my character and real personality take a back seat for a while. My point is, and I don't know if this will make much sense, but I don't think I've completely been the person I've wanted to be for some time, especially in the last year. There's sadness in that realization, but also a large amount of freedom in recognizing it, and giving myself permission to move into that now and be that person. I wonder how hard it will be for some of my friends to accept that. Either way I absolutely have to move forward into this. It's also very healing for me.

Today's a little more challenging

It's been several months since my last post, and I certainly am in a better place than I was several months back, but still have my questions and struggles. I had a difficult time as I got out of bed this morning and got ready for work, that depressed feeling began to set back in, and I tried to figure out why that was happening again. I'm convinced that it largely has to do with knowing that I'm waking up and doing the same thing over again, living the same day again, with a few different twists, but basically knowing it will mostly likely be just like yesterday was, and last week, last month, and being very unhappy with it all. As much as I'm trying to be more positive and hopeful in my thinking, it's just hard to get out of bed when you feel you don't have much to look forward to that day- I'm not trying to stay on the negative here, but this morning was just a hard one for me... those days happen. Will moving to a different town or state help with that? Will a new career? Maybe it won't solve every problem, but I'm convinced there needs to be a very drastic change, and soon.

I don't remember who said it, but the saying went something like this, "the problem with moving somewhere- is that you take you with you." True, but in getting to the root of how I feel, I'm convinced that my current circumstances lead me to feel very unhappy- life honestly doesn't seem to have much meaning right now, and staying in that place is no longer an option for me. I'm amazed by how comfortable some of us get with being miserable... actually I think it's fear that keeps us there, fear of the unknown, fear of not succeeding on a new journey, but without the risk of failure there's no real reward for trying something new, no chance of succeeding in some way. I just recently read Donald Miller's "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" and feel like, as he would probably put it, one story of my life has ended, and I'm not sure how to start the next one. It's like I'm postponing the next story for some reason, or I keep writing and re-writing the last page of the current chapter over and over, afraid to end it and start writing a new one.

So the big question, "do I stick around Houston or do I move?", that's what I'm trying to decide. If I take off to Colorado and start that story, will I find a job? And not just a job but eventually a satisfying vocation, maybe even a "calling", to get churchy about it? Will I run out of money? (I don't have much to begin with) Will things work out? What about getting married, having a family? I don't really know how it all will work out or how long it will take, to tell you the truth. Can things work if I stay in The Woodlands? Sure, I think they can to an extent, but every time I think about the prospect of staying here, I always end up feeling very down. I don't know if there's some hidden thing that's causing it, some deep-seeded issue I haven't dealt with, or if it's just that I really should just a get out of here, and soon. I think sometimes in life you may have a couple of different options in front of you, and God wants you to pray about it, talk with others about it, and make a decision in faith. One thing I know- I need a change and it has to happen sooner than later.

I'm at an interesting place in life, or so it seems. Well I don't know if interesting is the right word, but I seem to have a lot of thoughts and ideas going on right now. As of lately, and actually for quite some time now, I have had a huge struggle with contentment in most areas of my life... wishing life felt more meaningful (that's a big one), wishing I was already at the next chapter, wishing I felt more significant and influential to what's going on around me, and feeling unable to change most of it. There's a constant restlessness that accompanies these thoughts. I attempt to fight it, get angry, try being nice, do something different, all to no avail... life is still life. This restlessness will certainly drive you crazy, but it can also drive you to do something about it for real, or at least explore the options. A good thing that has come out of this is that it actually caused me to start praying again. Maybe I'm not very consistent with that but it's a start. It's causing me to search out the things in my heart I actually care about, remembering experiences in the past when I think I caught a glimpse of what God made me for, and can maybe lead me to do something about that instead of just accepting life as it is. I think so many people do just that, and end up feeling restless with a life that feels meaningless, stuck, insignificant and unchangeable, which leads to feeling depressed and powerless.

Now the hard part... having the patience to endure current circumstances for a time while planning out what's next in life, and believing that God is leading you in it. There are so many different voices and opinions, and even some conflicting opinions being given to me about what to do, where to go, how to do it, etc. That makes it especially interesting because you realize that no one else can make your decisions for you, you're the one who has to do it and live with it. That means no blaming anyone else if things don't work out like you hoped or thought they would, and you can't put it all on someone else if you thought you heard from God, but come to the realization later that you didn't- you just wanted something badly enough that you convinced yourself it was God so you could justify it. Is that confusing? I confuses me a little, but at least I'm starting to dream again, but trying to figure out how to do that while keeping my feet on the ground. I think this whole thing is becoming a real test of faith for me, maybe I need that.

Post-election thoughts

So here we are about a week after the election. I'm not going to get too much into political views (yes I do have them), instead I want to share my thoughts on how maybe the church should look at this. Of my christian friends who voted, they either voted for one or the other of the 2 major party candidates, or maybe for a 3rd party. I've heard the arguments for why this person according to his or her views can't vote for someone who's not pro-life and favors a certain type of tax code, and I've heard arguments from the other side for voting for a more liberal candidate due to social justice issues, poverty, and so on. I think most of my friends who voted for one way or another did so for very good reasons and hopefully made informed decisions. I also noticed that the two most common reactions I saw after the election were either excitement and joy, or being distraught and angry after the results came in. The only thing I know to say here is that as the church in the United States, we always need to get informed and educated before voting, and pick who you think best represents you (sometimes it seems like neither one really does that well), vote and accept the outcome. You don't have to like the outcome but regardless I still think we have a great system of government in place, flawed as it may be, and I believe God calls us as the church to support and pray for our new leaders. We do need to find ways to work with those who see things differently than us, as much as possible without giving up our own beliefs, and we have absolutely got to stop being so partisan and judgmental toward others who don't necessarily vote the same, within the church and outside of the church.