I'm at an interesting place in life, or so it seems. Well I don't know if interesting is the right word, but I seem to have a lot of thoughts and ideas going on right now. As of lately, and actually for quite some time now, I have had a huge struggle with contentment in most areas of my life... wishing life felt more meaningful (that's a big one), wishing I was already at the next chapter, wishing I felt more significant and influential to what's going on around me, and feeling unable to change most of it. There's a constant restlessness that accompanies these thoughts. I attempt to fight it, get angry, try being nice, do something different, all to no avail... life is still life. This restlessness will certainly drive you crazy, but it can also drive you to do something about it for real, or at least explore the options. A good thing that has come out of this is that it actually caused me to start praying again. Maybe I'm not very consistent with that but it's a start. It's causing me to search out the things in my heart I actually care about, remembering experiences in the past when I think I caught a glimpse of what God made me for, and can maybe lead me to do something about that instead of just accepting life as it is. I think so many people do just that, and end up feeling restless with a life that feels meaningless, stuck, insignificant and unchangeable, which leads to feeling depressed and powerless.

Now the hard part... having the patience to endure current circumstances for a time while planning out what's next in life, and believing that God is leading you in it. There are so many different voices and opinions, and even some conflicting opinions being given to me about what to do, where to go, how to do it, etc. That makes it especially interesting because you realize that no one else can make your decisions for you, you're the one who has to do it and live with it. That means no blaming anyone else if things don't work out like you hoped or thought they would, and you can't put it all on someone else if you thought you heard from God, but come to the realization later that you didn't- you just wanted something badly enough that you convinced yourself it was God so you could justify it. Is that confusing? I confuses me a little, but at least I'm starting to dream again, but trying to figure out how to do that while keeping my feet on the ground. I think this whole thing is becoming a real test of faith for me, maybe I need that.