who I am vs. who you think I am

I wonder what drives most of us, what we do, who we associate with, what we say.  Am I really being me or am I just being the person I think others expect me to be.  You would think that a church would be the place where you don't have to be anyone other than yourself, and that you'll be accepted and loved at that, but I've found myself behaving in certain ways as to gain approval from people there as well.  Part of that is driven by the sad fact that people in some churches can be so unloving and judgemental, and then you feel pressure to conform so you will be accepted by them, all the while hiding your hurts and struggles as much as possible.  I think in general it's driven to a large degree by personal experiences, like opening yourself up to someone and then getting hurt and having that trust broken, and so you start behaving in a way to protect yourself from being hurt again.

My situation, fortunately, happens to be that I have some close friends around me that I know love me no matter what, and I should be able to open up about where I'm really at and how I'm struggling, but I find myself scared to do so because I don't want them to think less of me.  The problem with that is that no one truly gets to know you, they just get to know who they think you are because that's what you're giving them.  Obviously you don't want to just open up to any and everyone in the world about your struggles, but you can't really begin to walk through them without having a few people in your life that you can trust enough to talk to about those things.  I'm thankful for those people around me that I don't have to put on a show for, and I'm thankful for their prayers because I know God hears them.

First blog, random thoughts...

So here it is, my first post on Blogspot. I decided a few months back to start this page but then never got around to actually posting anything, so I decided now would be a good time to do so. This page is simply for me post thoughts and opinions that I have on my mind from time to time, and also to tell about how life in general is going, what I'm up to. I'm writing this on a lazy Saturday morning, having played a show the night before with Evangeline. The show was, well, interesting from a sound perspective. The other bands we played with were great (Await The Day, Broken Heights), and they're great people too, I just wish we could have actually heard each other without a mess of feedback, muddiness, and power fluctuations on stage. I guess that stuff happens occassionally, I get images from Spinal Tap in my head of Nigel's guitar picking up radio signals while they're playing at an Air Force base...

It's nice to have a day like today where I don't have too much to do. Between work and band rehearsal I can get really worn down. I think the last month especially has been like that. We're constantly tweaking our show and trying to make it better. There's also church stuff tomorrow, I'm on the set-up/tear-down team for this week, and I'm playing with the worship band as well. Anyway, I plan on posting a lot more on here, so check back occassionally, hope you all are having a good day.