Enough

The things that sometimes happen to us...are ridiculous. The game continues, people keep doing their thing, and nothing changes. I miss other people in my life that I don't get to see now days. I want to do something that works out for me for once. Life could look very different right now. It should look different than this. It's time to make that happen.

Thoughts about life, and reactions to things

I'm not sure I realize the hold a place has on me, until I get a moment of clarity and realize what's going on. Why on earth am I still living in this area? I don't really know... well maybe I do, sort of. I've done it before, I hang on to this vain hope that something great will work out for me, and I go through the cycle over and over again, which is just insanity if I really think about it. I'm not a fan of victim talk, so I'll try to avoid it as much as I can. I do, however, have to acknowledge that some people are given advantages over others at times, and it seems like there is a little bit of a status game that some people play, or at least that's my perception (I want to be careful and clarify that these are just my feelings about a few things, and it's not necessarily accurate to project that on everyone). It's easy to get yourself caught up in that game, and then to have an amazing amount of bitterness because you're not given what you want, you feel left out, insignificant, and hurt that you're not thought of. The next thing that sometimes takes place, is that you start to direct those feelings at those you see getting what you wanted. That's envy and jealousy. The other (and much more common) reaction I have when I realize I can't control any of these circumstances, is to check out, leave, move on to something else. I don't want this to totally be my reason for wanting to leave this place, but in all honesty it's a large factor. I don't think it's necessarily bad, it could just mean it's time for me to take off, go somewhere else and find my place.

Who do we really want to be?

Here's an interesting thought to me, being who you really want to be as opposed to who those around you want you to be. I've realized that for a about 5 years now I've been on a journey where I've changed a lot of my views, opinions, and thoughts on things. I really think I was headed toward being a different person, in a good way, but due to certain decisions I made, and the desire to strongly please those around me (and maybe due to a little coercion from a few people), I gave in and started abandoning that journey. Well maybe not totally abandoning it, but I certainly took a detour- even starting to go back to some old opinions and ways of thinking I was trying to leave behind. I can almost entirely attribute this to my desire for acceptance from others, so much so that I think I made my character and real personality take a back seat for a while. My point is, and I don't know if this will make much sense, but I don't think I've completely been the person I've wanted to be for some time, especially in the last year. There's sadness in that realization, but also a large amount of freedom in recognizing it, and giving myself permission to move into that now and be that person. I wonder how hard it will be for some of my friends to accept that. Either way I absolutely have to move forward into this. It's also very healing for me.

Today's a little more challenging

It's been several months since my last post, and I certainly am in a better place than I was several months back, but still have my questions and struggles. I had a difficult time as I got out of bed this morning and got ready for work, that depressed feeling began to set back in, and I tried to figure out why that was happening again. I'm convinced that it largely has to do with knowing that I'm waking up and doing the same thing over again, living the same day again, with a few different twists, but basically knowing it will mostly likely be just like yesterday was, and last week, last month, and being very unhappy with it all. As much as I'm trying to be more positive and hopeful in my thinking, it's just hard to get out of bed when you feel you don't have much to look forward to that day- I'm not trying to stay on the negative here, but this morning was just a hard one for me... those days happen. Will moving to a different town or state help with that? Will a new career? Maybe it won't solve every problem, but I'm convinced there needs to be a very drastic change, and soon.

I don't remember who said it, but the saying went something like this, "the problem with moving somewhere- is that you take you with you." True, but in getting to the root of how I feel, I'm convinced that my current circumstances lead me to feel very unhappy- life honestly doesn't seem to have much meaning right now, and staying in that place is no longer an option for me. I'm amazed by how comfortable some of us get with being miserable... actually I think it's fear that keeps us there, fear of the unknown, fear of not succeeding on a new journey, but without the risk of failure there's no real reward for trying something new, no chance of succeeding in some way. I just recently read Donald Miller's "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" and feel like, as he would probably put it, one story of my life has ended, and I'm not sure how to start the next one. It's like I'm postponing the next story for some reason, or I keep writing and re-writing the last page of the current chapter over and over, afraid to end it and start writing a new one.

So the big question, "do I stick around Houston or do I move?", that's what I'm trying to decide. If I take off to Colorado and start that story, will I find a job? And not just a job but eventually a satisfying vocation, maybe even a "calling", to get churchy about it? Will I run out of money? (I don't have much to begin with) Will things work out? What about getting married, having a family? I don't really know how it all will work out or how long it will take, to tell you the truth. Can things work if I stay in The Woodlands? Sure, I think they can to an extent, but every time I think about the prospect of staying here, I always end up feeling very down. I don't know if there's some hidden thing that's causing it, some deep-seeded issue I haven't dealt with, or if it's just that I really should just a get out of here, and soon. I think sometimes in life you may have a couple of different options in front of you, and God wants you to pray about it, talk with others about it, and make a decision in faith. One thing I know- I need a change and it has to happen sooner than later.